10. insane money
leading the list from the back is the item most closely connected to the cricketing skill of a cricketer. at least in this list it certainly is. so while we are all still wondering why the ipl is pathan family biased for no visible reason, donating more than Lavan Krorrs to them, the point to be noted is that the pathan bros and likes of dan christian, saurabh tiwary etc etc. have been comparable to sreesanth’s wicket maiden. not happening at all. in cross reference to an article about ipl figuring out player worths sooner than later in the coming years so that auctions can be made boring and players can be paid correct amounts depending on their statistical indicator of worth, taking into account contribution to a win, brand potential, etc etc, is like chris gayle wanting to run a single. No Maan! Too much work. Kiss Teeth! as much as we the public might bitch about the money, agree, disagree, feel like a loser when a 20 year old makes lakhs while we slog it out in a 9 to 5, money is an essential component of ipl and consequently makes it to number 10 on the list of the most despicable items.
remember – money is the root of all modi. erm… modi is the root of all money. sorry… modi is the root of all evil. no no. modi has all the money. EVIL!!
9. subroto bhattaa and dada
take an inconsequential city, add a wannabe business baron (preferably a bong) who doesn’t make liquor, and put a saddu with lots of talent and an unbearable attitude in-charge and you have pune warriors. owned by subroto bhattaasomethin’ the paunchy oldie with his acute (read narrow) cricketing knowledge, aided by 2 girls (different ones every match) (one for each side) (who happen to be his daughters as far as most family audience is concerned) waving black pune flags along with yuvraj i-won-the-worldcup singh to throw the lazy wtf attitude at post match presentations, pune warriors spell disaster through and through and have lived up to that name too. and just when you think they could do no worse, add the iconic, enigmatic, punk – the dada onto this mix, and you have the first official dada style controversial comeback into the worst team in the ipl. the dada has conquered tests, one days and t20s now, in his own inimitable comeback style. srk – eat shit. pune ki jai.
8. ranbir kapoor
wrong choice. very very wrong choice. bad acting. very distasteful. not funny at all. and yes i would like to check what network you use. silly. should have kept it simple. nice try but no cigar. not even a kaaja beedi.
at a deserving number 8, the only one in the recent crop who i thought had some skill, ranbir kapoor is unfortunately stuck – much like his frog. ayen owwwwn *frog noise* – annoying and unable to get away.
7. status updates and tweets
there are facebook/twitter number of ways to say the same thing differently. the social popularity of a quirky status is absolutely unmatched. random people who wouldn’t give a damn whether you lived or not like your status now, comment on it, vehemently argue like it would really make a difference. it’s not just a cyber social network, it is an alternate reality, and the ipl fodder is the control for an experiment. beware… they are controlling you. potentially wicked and medieval.
on the sidelines, when is the bcci going to charge entertainment-potential tax for the ipl tag? for every time ipl or any listed acronym (like csk, kkr, rcb, pwi, dc, dd, rr, mi, kxip, ktk (who?)) is mentioned in a status, bcci must get paid. at least modi must. rumours are that lead youth actor vijay and all rounder TR demand it already. there is more money in this than you think. (165,000 people like this)
6. ktk uniforms
at number 6 we have the un-miss-able gatorade bottle team. here’s a fashion sense that took wanting to be taken seriously a little too seriously that they lost the plot, that too by a considerable margin. orange and purple couldn’t be better looking on anyone else other than our very own no man’s land inhabitants. call it a heightened sense of surety, that they would end up with both the purple and orange caps and steam roll any opponent merely by their jersey (similar to how abey kuruvilla did with his action), or a serious lack of vision. talent or not, here is a force to be reckoened with that prides itself in having the vision to pull off the extremities of the spectrum. add to that the antics of a home-grown joker (aka hip-hop sree), the ktk have very well etched their style in the orange and purple letters of history. a true cult in the making.
5. ipl jargon
at number 5, debuts the dlf ipl uber jargon. now every cricketing skill is sponsored, be it a katch which by karbon’s designation becomes kamaal, or a sixer which dlf calls maximum (maximum of what?) or a moment of cricketing brilliance becomes a “citi moment of success” as declared by citibank. hell, even a time out for a pee-pee break is sponsored by maxx mobile. as gory evidence i present to you the following anecdote. so i am bringing my 12 year old brother back from a world-cup triumph inspired cricket coaching session, and ask him what he did today? and he says, “i caught the karbon kamaal katch of the match today.” and i knew it was a lost cause right there.
as an after thought – someone should tell karbon how terribly their marketing has failed, only the katches seem to be worth remembering.
the ipl has the best of the best. all of them operating with a single brief. glorify every single, every double, every triple, every four, every six, every ball, every catch, every dropped catch, every toss, every wide, every no ball. a thirty by any batsman is surely the most mature innings world cricket has every seen over the past hundred years. mr. sanjay maratha manzarekar has gone on to hail ipl as the next best thing to naked even. obviously with a batting talent as little as what he had, looking for alternatives to make a living was the only smart move. with an overkill on analysis, and over analysis, reveling in blasphemous glorification the commentators are an unyielding world unto themselves continuing to sustain only by each others’ increasing mediocrity. forget match fixing for a second, there is a clear prima facie evidence of commentator fixing. nonetheless, the most despicable part of the whole commentary deal is the absence of ramiz raja. sadness descends.
3. marketing campaigns
yes, every kid knows that 3g is here and its lightening fast. drill, in your face campaigns promise to spare none. while idea 3g is as fast as 3 abhishek bachans which is ironic really since he is pretty slow (what an ironic idea sirjee), airtel 3g wants to send you off to bangkok with your family, enticing you with suave strip clubs and exotic ethnicity all in the back seat of a car your dad is driving. overhauling the zoozoos from munaf patel (read slow) to rajinikanth (read inter-stellar space drive) is unacceptable. chuck norris perhaps, but not thalaivar. as for docomo, well, suffice to say it has turned out to be quite a failed stand-up comic piece. *frog noise*.
sadly enough, the only passionate fan centric set of telecom ads from virgin mobile (which you can find on youtube) are banned. i wouldn’t mind much abusing the deccan chargers.
the soft drinks not to be left behind; coca cola wracked up by far the most annoying ipl oriented campaign. burrrr. is it an acceptance that most indians do not have very high tolerant levels of an agitated throat and burp badly after a sip of carbonated crap? i sure do sans the belly shake, and the enjoying zing that the burp is supposed to be followed with. belch. and pepsi can’t come up with anything original for a while. they are still reeling from an overdrive of changing the game during the world cup. the only solace are the sprite ads.
with another gross reminder that ipl is in people’s lives all the time, the unrelenting marketing campaign manages a respectable podium finish in this list.
let’s welcome navjot singh sidhu onto the podium by playing the national anthem of punjab. oh wait… punjab isn’t a country. nevertheless, nothing is a deterrent for this para-normal-human. with his logic-defying-intelligence, in-your-face colourful-tie and thalappakatti (matching matching for every match), this always-got-a-retort academician, park-in-my-spot-and-you-had-it murderer is the self proclaimed sherry on the cake in this din the ipl. singer, dancer, politician, a fielder par excellence (known specially for his diving abilities), a six hitter like no other, a go getter like no one else, mr. singh stands only below mr. modi in his self proclaimed greatness. get ready folks, hollywood is hair.
IF only he had same number or responses on a cricket field during his playing days, he could have been the best of the best of best… BUT he had a lot of other spheres to conquer. here’s a special siddhuism for you my man…
no IF no JATT. only my BUTT. in your face.
1. extraaa innings
this is the baby of set max. the brainchild. the creation of the century. right from the 2003 world cup days adorned by the inimitateable (yes that’s right – inimitateable) charu sharma, to the pfun (pronounced similar to pfaff) filled mandira body, extraaa innings has always been special in providing uplifting opportunities to the normally cringe worthy. extraaa innings has truly come a long way since the days of the eastman colour, to the high contrast dth, carrying forward the legacy of cricket in the right earnest. and this year they have scaled new heights in encompassing the entire range of arts and sports all in one space. a live band akin to the legendarily original movers and shakers hosted by shekhar suman, kbc style tall groin stifling chairs, expert panel comprising of the extremities of accents, hair growths, colours, countries, skills, batting positions, extraaa innings has it all. the song (read halla bol and the ipl horn), dance (read skin coloured tights adorned by white babies with malinga hairdo pom poms) and drama (read interviews of priety zinta et. al) filled event is the vibrant cauldron, the melting pot of the happening india. and with every passing day, you inevitably come to expect something, you guessed it, extraaa.
for the extraaa-ordinary effort of being the only conceivable coherent amalgamation of all the other items in this list – No. 10 to No. 2 (and a few other close misses like chika’s chiggy wiggy), the extraaa innings takes the title of being the most despicable thing about the IPL.
for the aye sayers, enjoy the despicables.
and for the nay sayers – since when was the ipl about cricket?
kaththam gaththam. \m/